


Ain’t Got Time for Trolling

by Moongazer12



Series: A Dryad’s Tale by Bilbo Baggins [3]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - No One Ring, BAMF Bilbo Baggins, Bilbo is So Done, Cursed Bilbo Baggins, Dryad Bilbo Baggins, Gandalf and Bilbo are old friends, Sassy Bilbo Baggins, like old socks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 06:53:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29346183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moongazer12/pseuds/Moongazer12
Summary: Part three of ‘A Dryad’s Tale by Bilbo Baggins’When Gandalf stormed away, Bilbo is left as the (unofficial and unknown) babysitter of the dwarves. What could possibly go wrong? Trolls.
Series: A Dryad’s Tale by Bilbo Baggins [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2115066
Comments: 8
Kudos: 63





	Ain’t Got Time for Trolling

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for all of the Kudos and kind words!! It helps more than you know!!! I hope this lives up to expectations, and I’ve already started on the 4th chapter, but with work, we’ll see when it actually comes out.

_ inner monologue _

** Sindarian **

:Khuzdul :

A few of the dwarves were getting a little to chummy for Bilbo’s taste. Nothing that was contract breaking, but some of the dwarves in this company didn’t seem to get the hint that Bilbo was here to help them reclaim their mountain. That didn’t require them being anything more than acquaintances. Still they persist in talking to him throughout the day. 

Gandalf was no help either. He seemed to think it was a good idea for Bilbo to get close to these dwarves. As if. Either he’s going to curse them, or they’re going to grow old and die. Neither option sound appealing, he’s already lost enough friends why lose more? Bilbo already tired explaining it to Gandalf, but the wizard had already convinced himself that it was good for Bilbo to make more friends, so that conversation was a lost cause. 

Today it was Balin trying to speak to him. Bilbo is trying his best to be polite, but also get the conversation to end as quickly as possible. It’s an exhausting juggling act. Bilbo is so thankful when Thorin calls them all to stop riding for the day, that he doesn’t even notice where they are. It’s not until he heard Gandalf muttering that he takes stock of his surroundings. Oh. This is not good. They’re in a clearing with an abandoned house. Never a good sign. 

Gandalf walks up to Thorin, who had walked away from camp to survey the surrounding area, and says, “We shouldn’t stay here. I’ve heard talk about trolls coming down from the mountain.” 

“Nonsense, trolls always stay in their caves.” Thorin says the way one says a fact that they’d learned long ago and only partially remember. 

“How thick are you? How do you think they get around? They find, or make, new ones. Why do you think this place was abandoned? People don’t just up and leave good homes for no reason.” Bilbo countered. 

He could tell he struck a nerve, but unfortunately for the dryad and the wizard, it wasn’t the nerve they wanted to hit. It only made the king double down and stick with his ways. 

“That’s enough. I’ve hired you two on to be a wizard and a burglar. NOT to be my advisors. Kindly keep your options to yourselves, for I am not interested in hearing them.” Thorin snapped and then walked back to camp.

“Confounded, pig-headed, stubborn dwarf.” Bilbo muttered to himself. He looked up and saw Gandalf walking away. “Oh no! Don’t you go leaving me behind with this lot!”

“Bilbo, you know I will do something rash that would put this quest in danger if I don’t leave to cool off. This is for the best. I’ll be back as soon as I can. Keep an eye on them. They’ll need it tonight.” Gandalf said with barely contained frustration steeling his voice. 

“Both eyes.” Bilbo said with a smile he did not quite feel. He didn’t want to be here babysitting 13 dwarves all by himself, especially not when there was most likely going to be trouble. 

.o0o.o0o.o0o.o0o.o0o.o0o.o0o.o0o.o0o.

Bilbo hated being on babysitting duty. Not that the dwarves knew they were being babysat, Bilbo wasn’t sure if that made it better or worse. On one hand, they’re not complaining, on the other hand, they’d never listen to him. The dryad just hopes that nothing too bad will happen tonight. Bilbo should have know that he wasn’t going to get what he wants. 

The night started off fine enough. Bofur tried dragging him into a conversation with Bombur, but Bilbo offered to take food to the person on watch to get out of it. Only to find out that it’s Fíli and Kíli on watch. 

_ Damn it _ . Bilbo thought to himself as he starts making his way over to the young princes.  _ It just had to be them _ . There’s still some tension between the boys and Bilbo. Bilbo is weary of them, not trusting that they won’t try to touch him again; and they’re weary of the dryad, sure that he’ll lash out and attack them when they least expect it. All in all, they’ve been avoiding each other as much as possible. 

Bilbo made it over to where the boys were, purposefully making his steps louder so that they would not be caught off guard when he appeared. But the boys didn’t seem to notice him. They were lost in thought. Bilbo set down the bowls of stew on a stump next to them and cleared his throat. The boys jumped and whirledaround, flinching back a little when the realized that it was Bilbo who was there. 

“Bombur’s stew.” Bilbo said as he gestured to the food he’d just set down. He was turning around when he felt a tug on his clothes. 

“Wait!” Cried Kíli, who had grabbed his sleeve. 

Bilbo turned around slowly and looked at Kíli’s hand and then into his eyes.“This is getting very close to breaking the contract. Let go of me, and then state what you need.” Bilbo said as calmly as he could. In truth, his heart was racing. The boy is lucky that there wasn’t a tear in his sleeve! Kíli let go immediately and took a step back. 

Fíli gulped and then words tumbled out of his mouth like a damn breaking loose. “We’re sorry, I just... we need your help. We don’t really want to go to Thorin about this and your the company burglar so I thought you could help us and then we wouldn’t have to bother our uncle with this nonsense and we could get on with our night and you seem to know what your doing so you could help us cause we don’t know what to do and we don’t want to go to our uncle and-“

“Hey, it’s okay. Deep breaths. Start from the beginning. Tell me what happened.” Bilbo could see the panic in the both of the boys eyes and that wasn’t good. They needed to approach this situation, whatever it was, with a clear head. 

Fíli nodded and took a deep breath before he started. “Okay, so you know how we had 14 ponies, yeah? Well now we have 12. Uncles gonna be so mad when he finds ou-“ A loud crash and thundering steps that seemed to be coming their way interrupted Fíli. 

“Get down!” Bilbo ducked down behind the overturned tree. The boys followed suit, barely making it down before a big troll stroller into the clearing. The troll snatched up two more ponies and lumbered back to its camp. The three followed him back to his camp and discovered that there were three trolls.

“Mu’on! ‘s all we ’ad fo three stinkin days!!” The troll who grabbed their ponies cried as he joined the other two next to the fire. 

“Aww quit your whinin Bill. Non uh us like it, but ’s all we ’av.” The one stirring the pot said. 

Bilbo tuned the rest of the conversation. He needed to take stock of his surroundings and come up with a plan. Thankfully, the dryad had kept his sword and daggers on him, so that’s something in their favor. The ponies were caged up on the far opposite side of the clearing from where Bilbo and the boys were hiding. It would be easy to sneak around the trolls and to get the ponies loose. Bilbo rose his head above the rocks they were hiding behind again. He saw the three trolls standing around a very large pot. But he also saw Fíli sneaking up to the closest troll. The dwarf stabbed the troll in the ankle and was about to run to the next one, when he was caught by the troll he stabbed. 

Kíli moved as if he was going to save his brother, but Bilbo locked his booted ankle around the the dwarfs knee and brought him down to his knees. He then stepped on Kíli’s calf to ensure that he couldn’t move or get up. “Don’t be a fool.” Bilbo hissed. “You’ll do your brother no good by getting caught yourself. 

“But I have to save him.” Kíli whispered back as he struggled to get up. 

The golden haired dwarf was unceremoniously lifted up to the troll’s eye. 

“A dwarf! Can we eat it?” The troll hold Fíli asked. 

“Stay here and trust me. I will not let your brother die, but in order for that to happen you have to trust me. Alright?” Bilbo whispered. 

Kíli bit his lip, hesitated for a moment, and then nodded. 

Bilbo nodded back and took his foot off the young dwarf. Then as loudly as he could he said in a jovial tone, “Oh, you must try!” As he popped out from the rock he was hiding from. 

“Bil-“ Kíli started to say but Bilbo talked over him so that the trolls couldn’t hear the other dwarf. 

“Really, give it a go! I insist! It would be so much better for then I shale be ride of him and all of you!” The dryad has a maniacal smile on his face. 

“Wuddya mean by dat?” Bill asked. 

“Oh, don’t you know? This dwarf,” Bilbo giggled, “this dwarf won’t die. I have been poisoning him for years, why I think I’ve given him so much poison that it would kill an Oliphant!”

Fíli stared at the dryad incredulously and protested. “But I haven kn-“ 

“You just haven’t felt the effects, dear boy. I’ve been poising you too slowly. I think you’ve worked up an immunity. But when these kind trolls eat you they will die from the poison. Oh how wonderful!” Bilbo clapped his hands. 

The trolls, now put off by the thought of eating a poisonous dwarf, flung Fíli at the trees that just happenen to be behind the rock where Kíli was hiding. 

“:Kíli get your brother and get out of here. I’ll get the ponies, but you two need to leave.:” Bilbo ordered. He didn’t like revealing that he knew khuzdul, but desperate times desperate measures. 

Kíli for his part didn’t linger too long. That was a conversation they could have later, once his brother was fine and they weren’t facing down three trolls. Once he got his brother a safe distance away he came back to see if Bilbo needed some help. 

The trolls started to advance on Bilbo. 

“Ey guess yur our meal fo t’night.” Tom said. 

“Now boys, you don’t want to do this. I assure you that it’s in you’re best interest to just walk away.” Bilbo said as he reached for his daggers. 

“Let’s roast ‘im.” The one that was probably Bert said. 

“Naw lets boil ‘im.” 

“Let’s just eat ‘im raw. e’s nuh more than a mouthful away-ways. Whoe’er catches ‘im can eat ‘im!” The one closest to Bilbo said. He then made a lunge at the dryad. Bilbo easily flicked his wrist and let his dagger soar into one of the eyes of the troll, and then moved to the right so that he wouldn’t be squashed by the troll falling to the ground. It writhed in pain, clasping his hand to his injured eye; which only drove the dagger in deeper. The next troll came up. Bilbo took out his sword and slipped between his legs, slashing deep into the trolls ankle. He too fell, next to his brethren. The last troll came rushing at Bilbo, hoping to catch him off guard, but had no such luck. Bilbo jumped up and sliced into its stomach. The troll fell to his knees screaming in pain. Bilbo was about to draw his sword again when a bright light, brighter than anything should be at this time of night, came from the side of the clearing where the ponies where. Bilbo watched as the faux daylight turned the trolls to stone around him. As the daylight faded, a very familiar figure started walking towards him. 

“Oi! I had a dagger in one of them, Olórin. You totally owe me a new one!” Bilbo called out, making his way to his friend. 

“Saving your hide doesn’t count as square?” Gandalf asked.

“You know it doesn’t. These things don’t grow on trees you know. They get expensive to replace. And you still owe me 2 from our last adventure. Remember those orc’s you blasted off the side of a cliff? So that’s three daggers you owe me.” Bilbo says with a huff. He’s not really annoyed, it’s just hard to find good daggers nowadays. 

“I suppose I do.” Gandalf said with a winkle in his eye. They gathered the ponies and started to take them back. What they didn’t expect to see was Kíli standing at the edge of the clearing, all trepidation gone from his eyes. No more fear, no now he was in awe of Bilbo. 

“Master Boggins, that was incredible. The way you took down those trolls! Wow! And how you sweet talked them into giving up Fíli, though I do wish they hadn’t thrown him, but that was so cool!! How did you know how to do that??” The words rushed out of Kíli like a geyser. 

Bilbo smiled awkwardly and said,“It was nothing. Really Kíli. And if it wasn’t for Gandalf, I’d still be fighting them right now. It’s always helpful to have a wizard at your side. Even if he’s a pain in your-“ 

“We have to tell the company. When they learn of your heroism, then they’ll-“

“I thought you didn’t want to tell your uncle about how you lost 4 ponies.” Bilbo said tactfully. Kíli’s face morphed, nearly all the light drained out of it. 

“Yeah, you’re right. But you deserve to be honored.” Kíli insisted. 

“It’s okay. I’m sure I’ll survive without them knowing what happened.” Bilbo said stoically, trying /really/ hard to keep the sarcasm at bay. He was mostly successful. Only Gandalf caught on, but that’s not saying much, for Gandalf would always catch Bilbo’s sarcastic remarks. The joys of friendship. 

They made it back to where the boys had been keeping watch of the ponies. Gandalf quickly cleaned up Fíli’s wounds, and then the dryad and the wizard returned to camp. 

Thorin cornered them immediately once they return. “What took you so long to deliver their meal, burglar? What business did you have with my nephews?” Thorin interrogated. 

Bilbo resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Of course. Do nice things for people and then get attacked for it by their family members. He isn’t able to resist a little huff of indignation. 

“I have no business with your nephews. I gave them their soup and then I met Gandalf in the woods.” Bilbo said defensively. 

“You’re not saying the whole truth. What are you omitting?” Thorin demanded. 

“What I do on my own time is my business.” Bilbo stated simply. 

“This isn’t your own time. You’re with the company, so it is my business.” Thorin wasn’t going to be deterred, he was going to get answers. 

“I don’t see you interrogating everyone when they go off to take a leek, or to have a private moment in the woods. So why am I getting this treatment?” Bilbo shot back. 

“Because you, Master Baggins, are an outsider. We do not know you, you could be up to anything.” Thorin sneered. 

“Yes, I could be. Anyone could be up to anything. But I’m not. So back off!” Bilbo said firmly

“You will tell me what you were up to, Master Baggins!” Thorin commanded. 

“Or wh-“

“If you must know, Bilbo came across me while I was dealing with some mountain trolls. He helped me dispatch them. Nothing untoward happened, I assure you.” Gandalf said casually. 

“You cannot go fighting without backup!” Thorin thundered. 

“Thorin, Son of Thraín, Son of Thrór, you didn’t hire me. I never signed a contract. In fact, one might say I sought you out for this quest. Be carful how you throw your weight around me, for I am not one to be truffled with.” Gandalf’s voice was calm, but there was an edge to it that brokered no argument. Thorin turned around and stomped back to Balin and Dwalin, muttering and cursing all the way there. 

Gandalf and Bilbo went to the edge of the camp where the dryad has already rolled out his sleeping mat and the two settled down for the night. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks again for reading and leaving kudos and comments. This chapter is only out today because if your support, so thank you!! 
> 
> Please let me know if I made any mistakes, I was just so excited to share this with you I didn’t do my usual amount of editing. 
> 
> My tumblr is ‘sharedyourperilsthorin’. Come say hi!!


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